Don't Mistake Contentment For Complacency.

Don't mistake contentment for complacency.  

Many of us do make this association. If you do, you will deny yourself the  experience of contentment out of fear of becoming complacent.  

Definition of complacency:  'a feeling of security, often while unaware of some potential danger, defect, or the like; smug satisfaction with an existing situation, condition, etc.' 

That is not contentment! 

I often hear people say that they don't want to become content because they will  lose any ambition to improve their circumstances. That's an example of not  understanding the difference between these two states of being.  

Being complacent is more synonymous with a comfort zone. Like sitting in an old  raggedy chair can be familiar and comfortable. But, it is likely not an  authentic representation of all you have learned, achieved, and deserve. That  might well be something more like a beautiful red velvet chaise lounge.  

Definition of contentment: a state of happiness and genuine satisfaction. 

I don't consider contentment as synonymous with a comfort zone. I have  experienced, and witnessed others experience, contentment as a starting place. A  place in which to grow from. Rather than a place to get to. A place from which you can ask yourself "what do I want?" as opposed to "what do I need?" 

Avoiding the experience of Contentment for fear of becoming complacent will  perpetuate your thinking that contentment is something to find outside yourself and, therefore, never quite within reach.

Being content within and with yourself is, in my thinking, an experience associated with self esteem. And, as such, a solid platform from which to leap forward. Identifying where you're at in relationship to where you want to be is an essential prerequisite to finding this quality within yourself. The "where" in this case being as much an internal experience as an exterior set of circumstances.

Looking to find contentment within yourself rather than concerning yourself with the circumstances you believe to be the cause of it's lacking will often bring up fear. But, fear is an unavoidable experience of stepping outside your comfort zone....moving toward something unfamiliar yet desired.

Certainly it's possible to get stuck in fear. But, that usually is a result of  wresting to get rid of it....as in the saying; what you resist, persists. 

Complacency is alluring. Especially when we are confronted by fear. But, once we develop the understanding to see and experience fear as an indication of forward movement, we will stop wrestling with it and embrace it as sign of getting to where we want to be. And that could be content.

Where and When Will We Discover What Enough Is?

Too much of this. Too little of that. Wouldn't you like to know when enough is enough? 


If so, look inward. 

There's very little satisfaction associated with having too much or too little 
of something, taking on too much or too little responsibility, or considering 
ourselves as doing too much or too little. This bouncing back and forth between 
these two considerations, never quite identifying when we are or have done 
enough, perpetuates a limiting self concept.... Thinking of ourselves as not 
enough. 

When will we find enough to be doing exactly what we are doing, exactly the way 
we're doing it, and with whom we are doing it? 

Sometimes we extend ourselves in ways that go beyond what would be true and 
authentic. 

We may find ourselves continuing to participate in a conversation that we have 
lost interest in. Or, we take on a greater degree of responsibility for something that, 

had we taken a bit more time to consider, isn't in keeping with our values 
or other time commitments. 

In other circumstances, we may think that we've neglected to take on the proper 
amount of responsibility in a matter. Or, we will turn down an opportunity that, 
had we considered more thoughtfully, we would have preferred to take advantage 
of.

In many instances we all find ourselves having this debate in our heads 
questioning what 'enough' is. 

The dictionary defines 'enough' as: "adequate for the want or need; sufficient 
for the purpose or to satisfy desire"

I define 'enough' as being wholly acceptable exactly as it is. 


It's not uncommon to consider, in whatever we may be doing, what others may think 

of as 'enough'. But, if we keep using what we believe others would think, we'll 

never find this quality within ourselves.

Living With Depression.

I don't know what to say that hasn't already been said; about suicide, the 
prevention of suicide, or the loss that everyone suffers as a result of the 
suicide. Especially when we lose someone as special a person and performer as 
Robin Williams. 

I was still a teenager when I first stumbled upon Mork, the tv alien who was 
played by Robin Williams with an over-the-top comedic outrageousness. I didn't 
watch a lot of tv back then. But, 'Mork and Mindy' was exceptional. And, Robin's 
unique talent made it so. I can only imagine the out takes were just as 
hilarious. And, his stand up routines were captivating. It seemed as though he 
really was an alien comic who could exude such spontaneity and wit I'd never 
seen before on earth. A huge loss for for so many that found his genius to be as 
unique as it was human. 

I agree with those inside and outside of the medical profession. Depression is 
and should be considered a disease. No more or less so than cancer or any other 
medical disorder. 

I just read how suicide trumps many other causes of death. Including car 
accidents which have been addressed with seat belts and a growing assortment of 
technological advances in automobile safety. The stigma depression still 
carries, I believe, is a significant hurdle to overcome. As with so many 
emotions, we've been indoctrinated to believe that there are good ones and bad 
ones. And the bad ones we not only hide from others, we deny to ourselves. And, 
so we do not acknowledge, let alone share, these experiences which could 
otherwise provide us with the perspective and permission to be healthfully 
addressed. 

Education is key. We've got to learn to treat people with diseases such as 
alcoholism and depression with respect for what they're going through. Rather 
than asking what's wrong when someone expresses their inner most struggles we 
must learn to ask "how can I help?"  Empathy, rather than apathy, is a quality 
we are born with. It should be reinforced in our educational system. As we learn 
to see empathy and understanding as qualities to be proud of we will grow, 
personally as well as a society that deals increasingly effective at intervening 
and interrupting the most tragic outcome of such insurmountable pain.  

We're each a miracle in a galaxy of miracles. We are each no more or less a 
miracle than every other person on this planet. And, as such, each one of us 
deserves the love and respect we all treasure. 

The Greatest Obstacle to Learning Is..........

The Greatest Obstacle to Learning Is..........
I once heard it said that the greatest obstacle to learning is knowing.

Years ago, when I heard this for the first time, it was a revelation. "You can't learn what you already know". Hmmm. How profound, I thought. And, apropos.  

My relationship with certain family members and my experience at work were things I wanted to feel differently about. And, had been for some time. 

I wanted my relationship with certain family members to feel more satisfying. And, I wanted to feel more fulfilled with work. But, I didn't think I had anything to learn in order to improve either of these circumstances. I had concluded they were the way they were. And, that they would stay that way. I believed these circumstances and I were just stuck with each other. 

To feel more satisfaction at work I believed that the people I worked with, and the people I worked for, had to change. The people I worked with needed to interact with me and each other differently. They needed to be more focused and responsible. And, show more integrity. And, I needed the owners to show more respect for and receptivity to the employees and their issues. But, I believed it was a lost cause. After all, in spite of my efforts, nothing changed. 

And, with those family members, to feel the kind of satisfaction I was looking for they needed to change as well. But, here, too, I had come to the conclusion that they were not going to act or communicate any differently. I had already made every effort possible. And, I couldn't make them.


THOUGH I DID BELIEVE THERE was wisdom in that "OBSTACLES TO LEARNING' IDEA, I just couldn't YET see how IT RELATED TO ME. OR WHAT I COULD POSSIBLY LEARN TO DO DIFFERENTLY

I 'knew' what needed to change IN MY LIFE. What I didn't know was THAT it was me. What I didn't know was that as long as I 'knew' what needed to change, there WOULD BE nothing I could learn to make MY CIRCUMSTANCES better. 

What I 'KNEW' needed to change for me to experience more of what I wanted was the PEOPLE and CIRCUMSTANCES of my life.

So, I recognized I WOULD HAVE TO LEARN what I didn't know.

I needed to see how I assessed AND INVESTED IN POSITIONS. And, how invested I was in being right.

And, I was very invested in being right!

……………………………….

THE POSSIBILITY that I was somehow PERPETUATING MY circumstances became a real consideration. AND THAT, MAYBE, MY INVESTMENT IN being right WAS KEEPING ME stuck with what I believed I had. Blindness OF my own involvement.

I SAW, TOO, I WOULD NOT ONLY NEED TO BRING MORE CONSCIOUSNESS TO my circumstances. I also needed to acknowledge my EXPERIENCE of BEING IN THOSE CIRCUMSTANCES. MY FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS. I had to bring MUCH more clarity and specificity to my predicament. 

I needed to learn to see what I PRETENDED TO know... ABOUT WHERE I WANTED THINGS TO BE AND TO WHERE THINGS WERE AT THE TIME. THE DISPARITY. THE CIRCUMSTANCES but also THE FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS I HAD REGARDING both…..

For instance, I knew I wanted my brother to respond differently to me. But, WHAT SPECIFICALLY WOULD THAT LOOK LIKE? To be less judgmental and more supportive. TO SEE HIM express interest in and receptivity to my opinions and feelings. AND WHAT WOULD THAT FEEL LIKE? I would feel LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE. 

I ALSO NEEDED TO SEE more clearly WHERE THINGS WERE AT. Again, including MY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS, WITH THE SAME SPECIFICITY.

I realized that my path required as precise a starting point as a destination. And, the more SPECIFIC I COULD BE WITH BOTH the more success was possible.


Me 'KNOWING' THE WAY THINGS ARE AND spouting off reasons WHY is something I'VE grown accustomed to.

The effort I made, AND CONTINUE TO MAKE, to bring more detail TO MY CIRCUMSTANCES AND FEELINGS ABOUT THEM IS difficult. ESPECIALLY Getting in touch with THE dissatisfaction, hurt, disappointment. That IS not easy. But, then again, how can ANY OF US get WHAT we want without knowing EXACTLY WHAT WE'VE GOT.


What circumstances have you BEEN PUTTING UP WITH OR TRYING TO CHANGE? WHAT CONCLUSIONS OR DECISIONS HAVE YOU MADE ABOUT THEM? How would you like them to be different? How invested are you in being right?

I USED TO KNOW I had my shit together. Then I realized that was all I had together.

To Know Yourself Is To Express Yourself

If you ask most people what matters most, physical appearance or one's inner character, the common answer will be "It's what's inside that counts". And, I couldn't agree more. However, in today's fast paced and competitive world, first impressions are more important than ever. So, if what's inside is what matters most, how to express that outwardly would be an important thing to understand. But, there's another important reason to present an authentic image. And, that's for yourself.

Your image not only represents to others your character and values, it is a form of personal empowerment, too. Truth is, we often ignore the steps necessary to create the experience of personal empowerment through our dress for the sake of fitting in with the role and expectations we've assumed others have of us. Not only will this sabotage your ability to represent to others what is unique and important about who you are. It weakens your own self confidence.

What are your strongest personal characteristics? Those you most appreciate in yourself? Those you most want to express and to contribute to others? If you've never made a list, literally, then how can you be absolutely certain when you are expressing your Truest Self.

It's interesting, I think, that the term, "taking inventory of ourselves", seems to be so much about identifying weaknesses and things we need to work on. And, though we may do so with little deliberateness, most of us have come to think of identifying our failings as a way of motivating change. But, setting our minds on changing without bringing just as much consciousness to our strengths and positive personal characteristics will just perpetuate the notion that we need to change without ever learning to accept those traits within us that only need to be expressed. Not changed.

Making this personal profile is one step of a process of learning to acknowledge the person you are committed to being. And, by association, effecting your circumstances to be a greater reflection of what you want in your life.  You might call the act of making such a list a catalyst for the movement and personal growth that lies ahead.

This list will be as unique from anyone else's as a finger print. And, just as no finger print is better or worse than an other's, nor would your set of personal characteristics. Wouldn't it be great if we could all be true to ourselves around each other? Rather than posing or pretending to be someone better or different? We could all experience our Selves and others being authentic, humble, and as accepting of each other as we've learned to be of ourselves.

So, here's the way to do this.

Sit down in a comfortable position with a journal or legal pad and begin making a list of 50 single words, or adjectives; Personal characteristics you consider true to who you are. Those you think of as positive. Go at whatever pace you want. This could take an hour or more. There's no rush. This is not about how fast you can do it. It's about giving yourself the time necessary to be thoughtful and honest. You could even make it a nighttime exercise. Writing a few words a night till you get to 50.

The next step, to be done with the same intentionality, is to reduce the list to 25. These would be the 25 adjectives, out of the 50, that you believe most represents personal characteristics that you want your relationships and circumstances to be reflective of.

Sit with these 25 characteristics for a week. Share them with others. Read them nightly. And think, as you do, how they might contribute or be contributing to your relations and circumstances.

After a week of this kind of reflection narrow those 25 down to 10. Highlight those you believe will most empower you to be authentic and positively impact your relationships and circumstances and, ultimately, contribute to creating those relationships and circumstances to be more fulfilling.

Again, sit with these 10 characteristics for a week. Share them. Read them nightly. And think, as you do, how they contribute to, or will contribute to, greater satisfaction within your relationships and circumstances. These ten words represent your personal qualities and characteristics that will empower your ability to be authentic. And, by committing yourself to bringing them forth, not just in the way you dress but in all ways of self expression, you will find greater self confidence, self acceptance, and acknowledgement.

Give me a call if you want to prioritize your list or want support in being more authentic in your self expression.

Do I..... Or Don't I.... Matter

Do you ever ask yourself if you matter? Kind of like wondering to yourself ... "Do I make a difference?" Or, "Am I having an impact?". "How do I fit in?". Etc.?. Do you ever find yourself immersed in thought and questions like these?

If you do, and when you are, do you find yourself to be less fully present then you'd like to be? Regardless of your surroundings or whomever your with, whether alone, by yourself, or in the middle of a conversation with somebody, this inner self questioning will distract you from wherever you are, whatever you happen to be doing, or with whomever you're with. It's as if you believe that finding the confidence to say, "Yes. Indeed I do matter!", will allow you to be more fully present to the situation or circumstances at hand.

But, know this. However much you believe that finding a positive answer to these questions is to any degree essential, what's even more essential is uncovering the motivation to be asking.

Bringing more light and perspective to the automaticity and frequency of your inner questioning, will open you up to seeing with crystal clarity how unanswerable and forever debatable these questions are and will continue being. Truth is, no set of circumstances will provide any factual evidence to even pose such questions.  Then why do you keep asking?

Why?

If you believe that the automaticity, investment, and frequency of such self questioning stands between you and being more fully present, engaged, and satisfied, then read on:

I often talk about two types of conversations we have going on most all the time. One is an inner conversation. A monologue or dialogue you're having with yourself. The second is public. A conversation you happen to be in, at the moment, with another.

The disparity between one conversation and the other will effect the quality of your communication.

The inability to see these two conversations going on simultaneously and distinct from each other will create communication problems. Active listening of the person(s) speaking will be compromised. How can you clearly hear, let alone respond most intelligently, when you don't know which conversation you're listening to? Chances of misunderstanding and responding poorly become greater. Quite often damaging our image and our relationship.

Bringing consciousness, shining a light on this machinery, and observing it in action, will transform your sense of self and ability to engage with others more powerfully and authentically!   

But, how can you learn to separate one conversation from the other and be more fully present, when your life as it is doesn't offer the time or perspective for you to see and employ this power?

Insight and Acknowledgment Coaching will help you slow down the questioning machinery, look into the gears that keep it running, and empower you in dismantling it's power.

Working together you'll come back to your Self, get back in touch with your magnificence, ability to engage with Authenticity, and produce results consistent with who you really are. Your True Self.

With Love,
RJ


For a free 1st time consultation?....Just ask.

MIGHT THIS BE A GOOD TIME TO CONSIDER DIGITAL DETOX?

Digital Excess and Cognitive Decline

 

With Permission, By

David Edelberg, MD @ Whole Health Chicago

Try this experiment. Sit somewhere unobserved, like a Starbuck’s or a doctor’s waiting room, and just watch people. If you see someone sitting alone, likely she’ll be checking her smart phone or laptop or plugging into music. People sitting in groups of two or more will interrupt themselves to glance at their phones, text-checking. If someone’s phone actually rings or vibrates, watch for the sudden startle response, a mini-version of the fight-or-flight response that protects us from muggers and marauding bears, now mainly used for phone answering.

Today, devices seem to always trump personal interaction.
If you think about it, just about everyone in your field of vision does something during the day that involves something digital. Many are engaged in what’s widely called multi-tasking. Of course when we multi-task we don’t really perform two or more tasks at the same moment. We simply spend less time on each effort, incessantly shifting focus and attention. And after a day in the digital world, we return home, where we continue to use our electronic devices for personal use, TV’s 800 cable channels and 50,000 Netflix movies at the ready.
According to the latest data, kids 8 to 18 spend 7.5 hours every day amusing themselves with screen time (TV, video games, phone) and listen to most of their music (and conduct phone conversations) with ear buds in position. This prepares them well for the adult digital life we observed in our earlier Starbuck’s/doctor’s office experiment.
Is a life like this–incessantly audiovisual when young, nonstop screen and phone checking as we get older–“bad” for us? Are there long-term health consequences? Since the digital world that dominates our lives hasn’t been around long, we simply don’t know. But given what we’re observing now, we can make some educated guesses.
Digital-free camping
For example, when psychologists took a group of 20-somethings on a five-day, digital-free camping trip, based on well-conceived psychological testing there was a 50% increase in their creative skills when they returned. You really can’t interpret a study like this to prove that a 24/7 digital world will necessarily result in a decline of creativity, but our minds do need stimulus-free down time to develop new ideas. In a beautiful phraseology, the study’s authors write: “Our modern society is filled with sudden events (sirens, horns, ringing phones, alarms, television, etc.) that hijack attention. By contrast, natural environments are associated with gentle, soft fascination, allowing the executive attentional system to replenish.”
In its own way, being on a nature trip like this, freeing your mind to wander or concentrate as you desire, is similar to practicing mindfulness meditation, a brain exercise anyone can learn that also has been shown to boost creativity.
A lot of research has been done on mindfulness meditation, perhaps most exciting its ability to rewire your brain (no matter how old you are), activating the prefrontal cortex so that your brain functions like that of someone younger than you. Practicing mindfulness meditation also increases connectivity in the very areas affected most dramatically by the cognitive decline of aging and Alzheimer’s. It’s even tempting to conjecture that cognitive decline could be prevented by 15 to 30 minutes of daily mindfulness meditation.
We can’t practice mindfulness meditation and text-check at the same time. The question then might be asked, “Are we even capable of being digital-free for a block of time each day? Is it too late to change?” Apparently, changing is a lot harder than we think.
Digital detox, now with analog games
The New York Times recently reported that an enterprising couple, themselves once severe digital addicts, were organizing device-free “Digital Detox” parties. In addition to the standard party fare of drinks and munchies were all sorts of analog distractions for idle hands, including board games, colored thread for friendship bracelets, and manual typewriters. And yes, it was very (very!) difficult for many people. The reporter writes that a woman who worked the entry door checking in digital devices “thought she had seen the unpretty face of addiction” and withdrawal, with one guest reporting “My whole life is on this phone.”
We really don’t know the long-range effects of 7 ½ hours of daily screen time on young people. Nor do we know what happens to our brains when we’re endlessly interrupted by  miniaturized startle responses. But let’s face facts–it doesn’t sound healthy. Are we in the foothills of a collective cognitive decline, just like we all might be going deaf from ear buds?
I’ve certainly observed the stress response in my patients who come into the examining room having forgotten to turn off their phones. One was in the midst of relating a troubling health issue when her phone rang (I’ve never been able to completely enjoy Ode to Joy from Beethoven’s Ninth since phones started blasting it). She embarrassedly fumbled with her handbag to silence the monster. Two minutes later, it rang again. “Damn, I thought I’d turned it off. I’m so sorry.” Now she’s lost track of what she was telling me. Two minutes later, again. Now she’s really startled. “I am so sorry, Dr E, it’s a new phone and I can’t seem to get the off button right.”
These events seems to upset my patients far more than me, but as I sit and watch I worry that anyone could actually live like this. After this visit, my patient will leave the office, turn her phone on (correctly), and all day long be besieged by ringing or by its more ubiquitous cousin, “checking,” “checking,” “checking.”

This might be a good time to consider your own personal digital detox. Immerse yourself in nature by taking a trip or simply going for an untethered walk in the park. Consider a course in mindfulness meditation. Open up a few new brain pathways and…
Be well,