Searching For Yourself.

Are you searching for yourself? When you think of the the number of books, videos, podcasts, seminars, etc., devoted to self realization it's almost like everyone, everywhere, is looking to find themselves and become more of what they think they should be. 

While this searching represents a genuine interest in personal growth, it can perpetuate the idea that who you are is somehow not enough.

We look for ourselves in what we say and do. We look at our circumstances and assess ourselves based on our perception of these circumstances. We judge ourselves based on our assessment of our friends, family, and coworkers.

Many of us are so invested in finding ourselves we miss the profundity of who we already are. In the process we unintentionally sabotage our self esteem. If that's you, you're not alone by any stretch of the imagination.

Few things have such an empowering influence on our self esteem than seeing ourselves with crystal clarity and accepting ourselves - as we are - unconditionally.

I can't say that I always see myself with that kind of clarity or accept my self unconditionally. My belief, however, is that I'm always being my best self. When I'm unconscious of this, I look elsewhere to find myself; compare myself to the perception I have of the people and circumstances in my life and often lose in that comparison. 

One of the most important catalysts for realizing and accepting yourself unconditionally is acknowledging yourself - with genuine interest and regularity. Investing your time and energy in acknowledging yourself, at least to the same degree as you compare and invalidate yourself, will replace automaticity with consciousness and self questioning with acceptance. And, you'll find yourself to be exactly as you are....complete, whole, and perfect.

 

Mistaking contentment for complacency.

Don't mistake contentment for complacency.  

I have. Many of us do. Doing so, we deny ourselves the experience of contentment for fear of becoming complacent. 

 

Definition of complacency:  'a feeling of security, often while unaware of some potential danger, defect, or the like; smug satisfaction with an existing situation, condition, etc.' 

 

That is not contentment! 

I often work with people who confuse the two. As I share about contentment being something we will work towards experiencing I often get push back. The concern that seems to come up is that contentment will lead to complacency and diminish any ambition to improve their circumstances. 

 

Being complacent is a comfort zone. Sitting in a familiar old raggedy chair can be so very comfortable. But, it is not an authentic representation - or an acknowledgement - of all you have learned, achieved, and deserve in life.

Definition of contentment: a state of happiness and genuine satisfaction.

  

Contentment is a starting place; A place from which to grow - rather than a place to get to. A place from which you can ask yourself "what do I want?" as opposed to "what do I need?" Avoid the feeling of contentment for fear of becoming complacent and you will perpetuate thinking that contentment is something to be found outside of yourself; Never quite within reach.

Being content is an experience associated with self esteem and a solid foundation from which to leap forward. 

Truth is, I'm still a student learning to separate and experience contentment. And, occasionally, when not confusing the two I get to it.

YEAR OF THE SHEEP:

YEAR OF THE SHEEP:

According to Chinese Astrology, 2015 is the year of the Yin Wood Sheep which brings about a soft, gentle and feminine energy.

2014, the year of the Yang Wood Horse saw a lot of dominant action, energy and transformations taking place but as the galloping horse begins to fade, the energy of the Yin Wood Sheep (or Goat) will take its place.

Beginning today,  February 19th, 2015- the start of the Chinese new year, the energy is going to shift to a more inward state. This is because the energy is moving from Yang (outward/masculine) into Yin (inward/feminine).

Yin energy is very creative, intuitive and gentle. Instead of everything moving fast and abruptly like yang energy, yin energy gives us time to focus, get centered and take stock over what we have created so far.

The element of Wood returns this year too and brings the energy of groundedness and understanding oneself on a deeper level. In fact, this wood energy complements the demeanour of the Sheep perfectly.

The Sheep symbolizes the energy of generosity, patience and peacefulness. The goal of the sheep is to create harmony and beauty within the home and family and is often considered to be the most feminine of all the Chinese zodiac animals.

Just like the horse, the sheep is extremely intuitive, the only difference is the sheep is a lot more emotional, and has more awareness to heal, nurture and tend to issues that are causing suffering.

This year will be about knowing yourself clearly and deeply, forgiving yourself, clearing past wounds and accepting who you are. 

We are being called upon to nurture ourselves, our friends and family and to go after our desires with patience, love and kindness.

2015 will also ask us to shed our ego and will not favor greed, overspending or unconscious business practices. Instead, the sheep calls us to practice modesty, charity and to delight in the smaller, more delicate aspects of life.

The sheep will also guide us to tune into our intuition and emotional well-being while still being receptive to the emotions of others. She asks that we use our mind and heart to make decisions, rather than force and aggression.

In Chinese culture, it is believed that those born under the year of the sheep are destined to be followers, not leaders however, in terms of dealing with the energy for 2015, we are being asked to manage what we have already
created in 2014 and ‘follow’ our instincts.

The Yin Wood Sheep reminds us that home is where the heart is, and that loving yourself, feeling safe and surrounding yourself with a loving group of friends and family is paramount to your life’s work. It is the sheep's desire that we go within, pay attention to the small things and to nurture others and ourselves.

Have this be the year to get the coaching to see more clearly your worth and value, trust yourself more deeply, treat yourself as you would want to be treated by others, and live your life with the kind of authenticity that will manifest in having more of what you want show up.

Be True!

Love,
Rj

Don't Mistake Contentment For Complacency.

Don't mistake contentment for complacency.  

Many of us do make this association. If you do, you will deny yourself the  experience of contentment out of fear of becoming complacent.  

Definition of complacency:  'a feeling of security, often while unaware of some potential danger, defect, or the like; smug satisfaction with an existing situation, condition, etc.' 

That is not contentment! 

I often hear people say that they don't want to become content because they will  lose any ambition to improve their circumstances. That's an example of not  understanding the difference between these two states of being.  

Being complacent is more synonymous with a comfort zone. Like sitting in an old  raggedy chair can be familiar and comfortable. But, it is likely not an  authentic representation of all you have learned, achieved, and deserve. That  might well be something more like a beautiful red velvet chaise lounge.  

Definition of contentment: a state of happiness and genuine satisfaction. 

I don't consider contentment as synonymous with a comfort zone. I have  experienced, and witnessed others experience, contentment as a starting place. A  place in which to grow from. Rather than a place to get to. A place from which you can ask yourself "what do I want?" as opposed to "what do I need?" 

Avoiding the experience of Contentment for fear of becoming complacent will  perpetuate your thinking that contentment is something to find outside yourself and, therefore, never quite within reach.

Being content within and with yourself is, in my thinking, an experience associated with self esteem. And, as such, a solid platform from which to leap forward. Identifying where you're at in relationship to where you want to be is an essential prerequisite to finding this quality within yourself. The "where" in this case being as much an internal experience as an exterior set of circumstances.

Looking to find contentment within yourself rather than concerning yourself with the circumstances you believe to be the cause of it's lacking will often bring up fear. But, fear is an unavoidable experience of stepping outside your comfort zone....moving toward something unfamiliar yet desired.

Certainly it's possible to get stuck in fear. But, that usually is a result of  wresting to get rid of it....as in the saying; what you resist, persists. 

Complacency is alluring. Especially when we are confronted by fear. But, once we develop the understanding to see and experience fear as an indication of forward movement, we will stop wrestling with it and embrace it as sign of getting to where we want to be. And that could be content.

Where and When Will We Discover What Enough Is?

Too much of this. Too little of that. Wouldn't you like to know when enough is enough? 


If so, look inward. 

There's very little satisfaction associated with having too much or too little 
of something, taking on too much or too little responsibility, or considering 
ourselves as doing too much or too little. This bouncing back and forth between 
these two considerations, never quite identifying when we are or have done 
enough, perpetuates a limiting self concept.... Thinking of ourselves as not 
enough. 

When will we find enough to be doing exactly what we are doing, exactly the way 
we're doing it, and with whom we are doing it? 

Sometimes we extend ourselves in ways that go beyond what would be true and 
authentic. 

We may find ourselves continuing to participate in a conversation that we have 
lost interest in. Or, we take on a greater degree of responsibility for something that, 

had we taken a bit more time to consider, isn't in keeping with our values 
or other time commitments. 

In other circumstances, we may think that we've neglected to take on the proper 
amount of responsibility in a matter. Or, we will turn down an opportunity that, 
had we considered more thoughtfully, we would have preferred to take advantage 
of.

In many instances we all find ourselves having this debate in our heads 
questioning what 'enough' is. 

The dictionary defines 'enough' as: "adequate for the want or need; sufficient 
for the purpose or to satisfy desire"

I define 'enough' as being wholly acceptable exactly as it is. 


It's not uncommon to consider, in whatever we may be doing, what others may think 

of as 'enough'. But, if we keep using what we believe others would think, we'll 

never find this quality within ourselves.

Living With Depression.

I don't know what to say that hasn't already been said; about suicide, the 
prevention of suicide, or the loss that everyone suffers as a result of the 
suicide. Especially when we lose someone as special a person and performer as 
Robin Williams. 

I was still a teenager when I first stumbled upon Mork, the tv alien who was 
played by Robin Williams with an over-the-top comedic outrageousness. I didn't 
watch a lot of tv back then. But, 'Mork and Mindy' was exceptional. And, Robin's 
unique talent made it so. I can only imagine the out takes were just as 
hilarious. And, his stand up routines were captivating. It seemed as though he 
really was an alien comic who could exude such spontaneity and wit I'd never 
seen before on earth. A huge loss for for so many that found his genius to be as 
unique as it was human. 

I agree with those inside and outside of the medical profession. Depression is 
and should be considered a disease. No more or less so than cancer or any other 
medical disorder. 

I just read how suicide trumps many other causes of death. Including car 
accidents which have been addressed with seat belts and a growing assortment of 
technological advances in automobile safety. The stigma depression still 
carries, I believe, is a significant hurdle to overcome. As with so many 
emotions, we've been indoctrinated to believe that there are good ones and bad 
ones. And the bad ones we not only hide from others, we deny to ourselves. And, 
so we do not acknowledge, let alone share, these experiences which could 
otherwise provide us with the perspective and permission to be healthfully 
addressed. 

Education is key. We've got to learn to treat people with diseases such as 
alcoholism and depression with respect for what they're going through. Rather 
than asking what's wrong when someone expresses their inner most struggles we 
must learn to ask "how can I help?"  Empathy, rather than apathy, is a quality 
we are born with. It should be reinforced in our educational system. As we learn 
to see empathy and understanding as qualities to be proud of we will grow, 
personally as well as a society that deals increasingly effective at intervening 
and interrupting the most tragic outcome of such insurmountable pain.  

We're each a miracle in a galaxy of miracles. We are each no more or less a 
miracle than every other person on this planet. And, as such, each one of us 
deserves the love and respect we all treasure. 

The Greatest Obstacle to Learning Is..........

The Greatest Obstacle to Learning Is..........
I once heard it said that the greatest obstacle to learning is knowing.

Years ago, when I heard this for the first time, it was a revelation. "You can't learn what you already know". Hmmm. How profound, I thought. And, apropos.  

My relationship with certain family members and my experience at work were things I wanted to feel differently about. And, had been for some time. 

I wanted my relationship with certain family members to feel more satisfying. And, I wanted to feel more fulfilled with work. But, I didn't think I had anything to learn in order to improve either of these circumstances. I had concluded they were the way they were. And, that they would stay that way. I believed these circumstances and I were just stuck with each other. 

To feel more satisfaction at work I believed that the people I worked with, and the people I worked for, had to change. The people I worked with needed to interact with me and each other differently. They needed to be more focused and responsible. And, show more integrity. And, I needed the owners to show more respect for and receptivity to the employees and their issues. But, I believed it was a lost cause. After all, in spite of my efforts, nothing changed. 

And, with those family members, to feel the kind of satisfaction I was looking for they needed to change as well. But, here, too, I had come to the conclusion that they were not going to act or communicate any differently. I had already made every effort possible. And, I couldn't make them.


THOUGH I DID BELIEVE THERE was wisdom in that "OBSTACLES TO LEARNING' IDEA, I just couldn't YET see how IT RELATED TO ME. OR WHAT I COULD POSSIBLY LEARN TO DO DIFFERENTLY

I 'knew' what needed to change IN MY LIFE. What I didn't know was THAT it was me. What I didn't know was that as long as I 'knew' what needed to change, there WOULD BE nothing I could learn to make MY CIRCUMSTANCES better. 

What I 'KNEW' needed to change for me to experience more of what I wanted was the PEOPLE and CIRCUMSTANCES of my life.

So, I recognized I WOULD HAVE TO LEARN what I didn't know.

I needed to see how I assessed AND INVESTED IN POSITIONS. And, how invested I was in being right.

And, I was very invested in being right!

……………………………….

THE POSSIBILITY that I was somehow PERPETUATING MY circumstances became a real consideration. AND THAT, MAYBE, MY INVESTMENT IN being right WAS KEEPING ME stuck with what I believed I had. Blindness OF my own involvement.

I SAW, TOO, I WOULD NOT ONLY NEED TO BRING MORE CONSCIOUSNESS TO my circumstances. I also needed to acknowledge my EXPERIENCE of BEING IN THOSE CIRCUMSTANCES. MY FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS. I had to bring MUCH more clarity and specificity to my predicament. 

I needed to learn to see what I PRETENDED TO know... ABOUT WHERE I WANTED THINGS TO BE AND TO WHERE THINGS WERE AT THE TIME. THE DISPARITY. THE CIRCUMSTANCES but also THE FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS I HAD REGARDING both…..

For instance, I knew I wanted my brother to respond differently to me. But, WHAT SPECIFICALLY WOULD THAT LOOK LIKE? To be less judgmental and more supportive. TO SEE HIM express interest in and receptivity to my opinions and feelings. AND WHAT WOULD THAT FEEL LIKE? I would feel LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE. 

I ALSO NEEDED TO SEE more clearly WHERE THINGS WERE AT. Again, including MY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS, WITH THE SAME SPECIFICITY.

I realized that my path required as precise a starting point as a destination. And, the more SPECIFIC I COULD BE WITH BOTH the more success was possible.


Me 'KNOWING' THE WAY THINGS ARE AND spouting off reasons WHY is something I'VE grown accustomed to.

The effort I made, AND CONTINUE TO MAKE, to bring more detail TO MY CIRCUMSTANCES AND FEELINGS ABOUT THEM IS difficult. ESPECIALLY Getting in touch with THE dissatisfaction, hurt, disappointment. That IS not easy. But, then again, how can ANY OF US get WHAT we want without knowing EXACTLY WHAT WE'VE GOT.


What circumstances have you BEEN PUTTING UP WITH OR TRYING TO CHANGE? WHAT CONCLUSIONS OR DECISIONS HAVE YOU MADE ABOUT THEM? How would you like them to be different? How invested are you in being right?

I USED TO KNOW I had my shit together. Then I realized that was all I had together.

To Know Yourself Is To Express Yourself

If you ask most people what matters most, physical appearance or one's inner character, the common answer will be "It's what's inside that counts". And, I couldn't agree more. However, in today's fast paced and competitive world, first impressions are more important than ever. So, if what's inside is what matters most, how to express that outwardly would be an important thing to understand. But, there's another important reason to present an authentic image. And, that's for yourself.

Your image not only represents to others your character and values, it is a form of personal empowerment, too. Truth is, we often ignore the steps necessary to create the experience of personal empowerment through our dress for the sake of fitting in with the role and expectations we've assumed others have of us. Not only will this sabotage your ability to represent to others what is unique and important about who you are. It weakens your own self confidence.

What are your strongest personal characteristics? Those you most appreciate in yourself? Those you most want to express and to contribute to others? If you've never made a list, literally, then how can you be absolutely certain when you are expressing your Truest Self.

It's interesting, I think, that the term, "taking inventory of ourselves", seems to be so much about identifying weaknesses and things we need to work on. And, though we may do so with little deliberateness, most of us have come to think of identifying our failings as a way of motivating change. But, setting our minds on changing without bringing just as much consciousness to our strengths and positive personal characteristics will just perpetuate the notion that we need to change without ever learning to accept those traits within us that only need to be expressed. Not changed.

Making this personal profile is one step of a process of learning to acknowledge the person you are committed to being. And, by association, effecting your circumstances to be a greater reflection of what you want in your life.  You might call the act of making such a list a catalyst for the movement and personal growth that lies ahead.

This list will be as unique from anyone else's as a finger print. And, just as no finger print is better or worse than an other's, nor would your set of personal characteristics. Wouldn't it be great if we could all be true to ourselves around each other? Rather than posing or pretending to be someone better or different? We could all experience our Selves and others being authentic, humble, and as accepting of each other as we've learned to be of ourselves.

So, here's the way to do this.

Sit down in a comfortable position with a journal or legal pad and begin making a list of 50 single words, or adjectives; Personal characteristics you consider true to who you are. Those you think of as positive. Go at whatever pace you want. This could take an hour or more. There's no rush. This is not about how fast you can do it. It's about giving yourself the time necessary to be thoughtful and honest. You could even make it a nighttime exercise. Writing a few words a night till you get to 50.

The next step, to be done with the same intentionality, is to reduce the list to 25. These would be the 25 adjectives, out of the 50, that you believe most represents personal characteristics that you want your relationships and circumstances to be reflective of.

Sit with these 25 characteristics for a week. Share them with others. Read them nightly. And think, as you do, how they might contribute or be contributing to your relations and circumstances.

After a week of this kind of reflection narrow those 25 down to 10. Highlight those you believe will most empower you to be authentic and positively impact your relationships and circumstances and, ultimately, contribute to creating those relationships and circumstances to be more fulfilling.

Again, sit with these 10 characteristics for a week. Share them. Read them nightly. And think, as you do, how they contribute to, or will contribute to, greater satisfaction within your relationships and circumstances. These ten words represent your personal qualities and characteristics that will empower your ability to be authentic. And, by committing yourself to bringing them forth, not just in the way you dress but in all ways of self expression, you will find greater self confidence, self acceptance, and acknowledgement.

Give me a call if you want to prioritize your list or want support in being more authentic in your self expression.

Do I..... Or Don't I.... Matter

Do you ever ask yourself if you matter? Kind of like wondering to yourself ... "Do I make a difference?" Or, "Am I having an impact?". "How do I fit in?". Etc.?. Do you ever find yourself immersed in thought and questions like these?

If you do, and when you are, do you find yourself to be less fully present then you'd like to be? Regardless of your surroundings or whomever your with, whether alone, by yourself, or in the middle of a conversation with somebody, this inner self questioning will distract you from wherever you are, whatever you happen to be doing, or with whomever you're with. It's as if you believe that finding the confidence to say, "Yes. Indeed I do matter!", will allow you to be more fully present to the situation or circumstances at hand.

But, know this. However much you believe that finding a positive answer to these questions is to any degree essential, what's even more essential is uncovering the motivation to be asking.

Bringing more light and perspective to the automaticity and frequency of your inner questioning, will open you up to seeing with crystal clarity how unanswerable and forever debatable these questions are and will continue being. Truth is, no set of circumstances will provide any factual evidence to even pose such questions.  Then why do you keep asking?

Why?

If you believe that the automaticity, investment, and frequency of such self questioning stands between you and being more fully present, engaged, and satisfied, then read on:

I often talk about two types of conversations we have going on most all the time. One is an inner conversation. A monologue or dialogue you're having with yourself. The second is public. A conversation you happen to be in, at the moment, with another.

The disparity between one conversation and the other will effect the quality of your communication.

The inability to see these two conversations going on simultaneously and distinct from each other will create communication problems. Active listening of the person(s) speaking will be compromised. How can you clearly hear, let alone respond most intelligently, when you don't know which conversation you're listening to? Chances of misunderstanding and responding poorly become greater. Quite often damaging our image and our relationship.

Bringing consciousness, shining a light on this machinery, and observing it in action, will transform your sense of self and ability to engage with others more powerfully and authentically!   

But, how can you learn to separate one conversation from the other and be more fully present, when your life as it is doesn't offer the time or perspective for you to see and employ this power?

Insight and Acknowledgment Coaching will help you slow down the questioning machinery, look into the gears that keep it running, and empower you in dismantling it's power.

Working together you'll come back to your Self, get back in touch with your magnificence, ability to engage with Authenticity, and produce results consistent with who you really are. Your True Self.

With Love,
RJ


For a free 1st time consultation?....Just ask.

MIGHT THIS BE A GOOD TIME TO CONSIDER DIGITAL DETOX?

Digital Excess and Cognitive Decline

 

With Permission, By

David Edelberg, MD @ Whole Health Chicago

Try this experiment. Sit somewhere unobserved, like a Starbuck’s or a doctor’s waiting room, and just watch people. If you see someone sitting alone, likely she’ll be checking her smart phone or laptop or plugging into music. People sitting in groups of two or more will interrupt themselves to glance at their phones, text-checking. If someone’s phone actually rings or vibrates, watch for the sudden startle response, a mini-version of the fight-or-flight response that protects us from muggers and marauding bears, now mainly used for phone answering.

Today, devices seem to always trump personal interaction.
If you think about it, just about everyone in your field of vision does something during the day that involves something digital. Many are engaged in what’s widely called multi-tasking. Of course when we multi-task we don’t really perform two or more tasks at the same moment. We simply spend less time on each effort, incessantly shifting focus and attention. And after a day in the digital world, we return home, where we continue to use our electronic devices for personal use, TV’s 800 cable channels and 50,000 Netflix movies at the ready.
According to the latest data, kids 8 to 18 spend 7.5 hours every day amusing themselves with screen time (TV, video games, phone) and listen to most of their music (and conduct phone conversations) with ear buds in position. This prepares them well for the adult digital life we observed in our earlier Starbuck’s/doctor’s office experiment.
Is a life like this–incessantly audiovisual when young, nonstop screen and phone checking as we get older–“bad” for us? Are there long-term health consequences? Since the digital world that dominates our lives hasn’t been around long, we simply don’t know. But given what we’re observing now, we can make some educated guesses.
Digital-free camping
For example, when psychologists took a group of 20-somethings on a five-day, digital-free camping trip, based on well-conceived psychological testing there was a 50% increase in their creative skills when they returned. You really can’t interpret a study like this to prove that a 24/7 digital world will necessarily result in a decline of creativity, but our minds do need stimulus-free down time to develop new ideas. In a beautiful phraseology, the study’s authors write: “Our modern society is filled with sudden events (sirens, horns, ringing phones, alarms, television, etc.) that hijack attention. By contrast, natural environments are associated with gentle, soft fascination, allowing the executive attentional system to replenish.”
In its own way, being on a nature trip like this, freeing your mind to wander or concentrate as you desire, is similar to practicing mindfulness meditation, a brain exercise anyone can learn that also has been shown to boost creativity.
A lot of research has been done on mindfulness meditation, perhaps most exciting its ability to rewire your brain (no matter how old you are), activating the prefrontal cortex so that your brain functions like that of someone younger than you. Practicing mindfulness meditation also increases connectivity in the very areas affected most dramatically by the cognitive decline of aging and Alzheimer’s. It’s even tempting to conjecture that cognitive decline could be prevented by 15 to 30 minutes of daily mindfulness meditation.
We can’t practice mindfulness meditation and text-check at the same time. The question then might be asked, “Are we even capable of being digital-free for a block of time each day? Is it too late to change?” Apparently, changing is a lot harder than we think.
Digital detox, now with analog games
The New York Times recently reported that an enterprising couple, themselves once severe digital addicts, were organizing device-free “Digital Detox” parties. In addition to the standard party fare of drinks and munchies were all sorts of analog distractions for idle hands, including board games, colored thread for friendship bracelets, and manual typewriters. And yes, it was very (very!) difficult for many people. The reporter writes that a woman who worked the entry door checking in digital devices “thought she had seen the unpretty face of addiction” and withdrawal, with one guest reporting “My whole life is on this phone.”
We really don’t know the long-range effects of 7 ½ hours of daily screen time on young people. Nor do we know what happens to our brains when we’re endlessly interrupted by  miniaturized startle responses. But let’s face facts–it doesn’t sound healthy. Are we in the foothills of a collective cognitive decline, just like we all might be going deaf from ear buds?
I’ve certainly observed the stress response in my patients who come into the examining room having forgotten to turn off their phones. One was in the midst of relating a troubling health issue when her phone rang (I’ve never been able to completely enjoy Ode to Joy from Beethoven’s Ninth since phones started blasting it). She embarrassedly fumbled with her handbag to silence the monster. Two minutes later, it rang again. “Damn, I thought I’d turned it off. I’m so sorry.” Now she’s lost track of what she was telling me. Two minutes later, again. Now she’s really startled. “I am so sorry, Dr E, it’s a new phone and I can’t seem to get the off button right.”
These events seems to upset my patients far more than me, but as I sit and watch I worry that anyone could actually live like this. After this visit, my patient will leave the office, turn her phone on (correctly), and all day long be besieged by ringing or by its more ubiquitous cousin, “checking,” “checking,” “checking.”

This might be a good time to consider your own personal digital detox. Immerse yourself in nature by taking a trip or simply going for an untethered walk in the park. Consider a course in mindfulness meditation. Open up a few new brain pathways and…
Be well,

Impatience

Impatience shelters certain emotions. Each painful to experience as they are. Each emotion molded from a thought or perspective we had in the moment of an early and unacceptable experience. I'm not sure any of us can claim not to be impatient. We all are to some degree. The frequency of times we are impatient isn't so much of an issue, though. More so is lacking the consciousness to see the underlying feelings.

Beyond what impatience looks like on the surface. Impatience is a form of self protection. The automaticity with which we become impatient prevents us from experiencing other feelings. Feelings we've decided are negative and detrimental. It's actually out of self love that we developed this machinery. Yes. Self Love. We fail to see that. But, from what else would protecting ourselves from painful feelings come from?

On the surface we think of our impatience as being caused by someone taking a greater amount of time to express their thoughts or convey a message than we think it should or some process taking more time then what we believe is necessary. So, given that in this scenario we assess our experience of impatience as being caused by something other than ourselves, we assume the roll of victim. Yes, you can say that we are all just victims of our circumstances. ...............


That is until you see that the circumstances are no more or less than just that. Circumstances. Those things are just the way things are. That person? That person is being just the way they're being. Things are just the way they are. Though you may be thinking, whatever it is, is taking "too much" time, truth is that that person or that process is taking a specific amount of time. The fact that you subjectively think it's too much time is just that, a subjective thought. The circumstances are just what they are. And, your thoughts are just they way they are. Both, just as they are...no more, no less.

So then, if the circumstances are no more or less than just what they are, how is it you feel like a victim? Why is there such a feeling of being beaten up? Or, beaten down. Kinda like David would've felt if the "David And Goliath" story hadn't gone the way it did.

If the circumstances cannot have any affect on you.. then what is? If, in fact, you cannot be a victim of the circumstances, are you a victim at all??

Observation Does Not Involve Judgment.

Observation Does Not Involve Judgment.

Observing something and making a judgment about it are two separate things. 

When we observe something.. for instance, how someone is dressed, or their posture, or the color of their skin, all we are doing is collecting data. During this process, there is no assessing, evaluating, interpreting, or judging. We are just noticing something exactly as it is. Like facts, these things are neither right or wrong, good or bad, better or worse. We are not making comparisons. We are just seeing what is there. Exactly as it is. No more, no less.

But, of course, we also judge and evaluate, and compare. It's just part and parcel of being human. We take that data and we reflect on it using previous experiences in an attempt to understand what it means. Of course, this will never allow us to know what it means. Because, at best, whatever we come up with will only be a speculation. Regardless, however, it is what we do. That's just the way the brain works. 

Of course, this does not mean we can't be aware of these two distinctions. Observing Something. And, evaluating something. 

But, what's the point of becoming aware of these two distinctions or being able to consciously distinguish one from the other, you might ask. Well, here's the thing... Not knowing that what you think about what you see is just that, a thought, not a fact, will limit you to responses only be based on an assumption. For example; Let's say a person is wearing clothing that in your estimation fits poorly. Maybe it's wrinkled and could use a good press. Or, it seems dated. If this is the case, you might conclude that this person lacks a certain standing, or maybe competence. If so, you may very well interact with this person on the basis of that assumption. In doing so, you may find you're interaction to cause some friction. Especially if that individual is not as you've assumed them to be. 

Being able to recognize your assessments about something or someone as distinct from the information you've collected by observation enables you to more consciously choose how you want to engage with them. And, often times, that will provide the opportunity to get to know more about that individual than you might have unknowingly thought you already knew. 

The quality of our relationships are often driven by assumptions we make about the other person. We often operate with those individuals as if we already know more about them than we really do. And, that may often leave the other person offended and hurt because it seems you don't know them at all or do not respect them for who they really are. We most likely do not see the arrogance that this represents. But, they will.

The work that I do with my clients involves learning to recognize such distinctions that, without awareness of, creates and perpetuates situations and relationships that fall short of our desires. Facts from interpretations. Feelings from thoughts. Emotions from actions. Mastering the ability to recognize these and other distinctions will give you the power to choose, act, and communicate in ways that produce greater satisfaction in your life. And, will empower your ability to be authentic and true in your relationships and the circumstances of your life. 

If you want to know more, you know where to find me.

Love,
Rj
TrueSelf.

My Random Political Views On Current Issues

My Random Political Views On Current Issues 

I appreciate the ability to disagree without personal attacks and with people who, I believe like yourself, are for the most part open and receptive to opinions that differ from their own. I think that this is what's missing, not just in politics but within today's culture. And, while I believe our political figures today contribute to the rancor and hostility, the media's willingness to broadcast spin without helping the public decipher and actually investigate that spin, just reinforces this discourse. 

Unfortunately, we are a society of too few well informed citizens. We may be increasingly well educated, though these individuals still do not make up our majority. But, unfortunately, even the educational opportunities that do exist don't produce the well informed. But, that's a whole other issue that I think is sorely missing from today's political debate. The profound ineffectiveness of today's educational opportunities.

It was made clear from the moment Barack Obama took office what the Republicans number one, overriding agenda was. And, that was to deny this President a second term. So, given this, how can anyone not consider that as the motivation behind every disagreement and block that they put in Obama's way? Really! I know many people see me as a liberal.. I am. But, I am also, at least in my opinion, pretty level headed. I remember back when John McCain was running against George Bush in the Republican primaries of 2000. He was his old maverick self. And, I genuinely considered giving him my vote should he have been nominated. He was rational. Made sense. Seemed genuinely independent in his reasoning. And expressed a deep understanding of the value of strengthening the middle class. But, even he has become a mouth piece for the right wingnuts. .....Sorry, the right wing. Though, I think of them as the wrong wing. OK. Enough..... It's mind boggling to me... it really is, as to why so many in the middle class, would compromise their own best interests to support Mitt Romney and his one-dimensional running mate. What I am left with thinking is that these people are not so much infatuated by Romney, after all why would they be, but more so by an anti-Obama gut driven attitude. With ever more certainty I believe racism is definitely one factor. Because when you exclude all the reasons why these individuals should support the only one of the two candidates who has consistently supported the causes of this group, what else is there to conclude. Call them closeted bigots.. or maybe they really can't see it themselves. But, c'mon.. what else could it be. The stronger the middle class, the more the wealthy benefit. The percentage of income the middle class spends in the market place is far larger than that of the '1 percenters'. And, that spending spurs the economy. A stronger wealthy class?... By all measures, In the eight years of the Bush administration the wealthiest Americans fared best.. And, what happened? Apparently these "job creators" must have been preoccupied with something else. Like squirrels, they socked away all that money. And, why would anyone expect them to do anything else? Where's the evidence that they will do anything other than what best serves themselves? And, while I understand that there's an argument to be had about why we should all have the right to do whatever we want with our hard earned money, many of these so called job creators have earned that money through questionable means that challenge ethics if not actual laws. And, why, in the name of sensibility, would we want a man who hides his income in foreign countries and conceals his taxes with a cavalier and prima donna attitude running this country? Is that really the example we want to lead us? Or for that matter, the criteria we want to use to justify this candidates nomination?.

Regarding immigration, I believe we must strive to for an enlightened approach. So that our society and it's ills can actually improve, moving us forward toward a better future. This outcome should be the context for any debate. The idea that we should just round up everyone, or as Romney has suggested "Self Deportation", that America’s 11 million undocumented immigrants would simply go home if government made their lives miserable enough", is cruel and small minded. And, in no way would that provide an example of what we need more of in our culture, civility.

And, as for the Right's issues with Gay marriage and abortion, well I confess, I'm baffled. It's fascinating to me, really, how the Republicans can be the voice of a limiting government oversight and getting government out of our lives, yet at the same time proposing Federal laws to govern marriage and a woman's right to choose. Not to mention guns and capitol punishment.

I think what this President has been the worst at is keeping the public informed as to what he's done that has and will improve our circumstances and the reasoning he's employed in his process.

For me, there is so much hate and cruelty in our society and a lack of civility that while I may not agree with every decision being made on my behalf, I take into consideration where I believe the motivations come from. I don't think Romney is a bad man. But, I do think he is weak. John Kerry was measured by his flip flops, though I think in many cases unfairly. So, why shouldn't Mitt? And, there are many.

My Random Political Views On Current Issues

I appreciate the ability to disagree without personal attacks and with people who, I believe like yourself, are for the most part open and receptive to opinions that differ from their own. I think that this is what's missing, not just in politics but within today's culture. And, while I believe our political figures today contribute to the rancor and hostility, the media's willingness to broadcast spin without helping the public decipher and actually investigate that spin, just reinforces this discourse. 

Unfortunately, we are a society of too few well informed citizens. We may be increasingly well educated, though these individuals still do not make up our majority. But, unfortunately, even the educational opportunities that do exist don't produce the well informed. But, that's a whole other issue that I think is sorely missing from today's political debate. The profound ineffectiveness of today's educational opportunities.

It was made clear from the moment Barack Obama took office what the Republicans number one, overriding agenda was. And, that was to deny this President a second term. So, given this, how can anyone not consider that as the motivation behind every disagreement and block that they put in Obama's way? Really! I know many people see me as a liberal.. I am. But, I am also, at least in my opinion, pretty level headed. I remember back when John McCain was running against George Bush in the Republican primaries of 2000. He was his old maverick self. And, I genuinely considered giving him my vote should he have been nominated. He was rational. Made sense. Seemed genuinely independent in his reasoning. And expressed a deep understanding of the value of strengthening the middle class. But, even he has become a mouth piece for the right wingnuts. .....Sorry, the right wing. Though, I think of them as the wrong wing. OK. Enough..... It's mind boggling to me... it really is, as to why so many in the middle class, would compromise their own best interests to support Mitt Romney and his one-dimensional running mate. What I am left with thinking is that these people are not so much infatuated by Romney, after all why would they be, but more so by an anti-Obama gut driven attitude. With ever more certainty I believe racism is definitely one factor. Because when you exclude all the reasons why these individuals should support the only one of the two candidates who has consistently supported the causes of this group, what else is there to conclude. Call them closeted bigots.. or maybe they really can't see it themselves. But, c'mon.. what else could it be. The stronger the middle class, the more the wealthy benefit. The percentage of income the middle class spends in the market place is far larger than that of the '1 percenters'. And, that spending spurs the economy. A stronger wealthy class?... By all measures, In the eight years of the Bush administration the wealthiest Americans fared best.. And, what happened? Apparently these "job creators" must have been preoccupied with something else. Like squirrels, they socked away all that money. And, why would anyone expect them to do anything else? Where's the evidence that they will do anything other than what best serves themselves? And, while I understand that there's an argument to be had about why we should all have the right to do whatever we want with our hard earned money, many of these so called job creators have earned that money through questionable means that challenge ethics if not actual laws. And, why, in the name of sensibility, would we want a man who hides his income in foreign countries and conceals his taxes with a cavalier and prima donna attitude running this country? Is that really the example we want to lead us? Or for that matter, the criteria we want to use to justify this candidates nomination?.

Regarding immigration, I believe we must strive to for an enlightened approach. So that our society and it's ills can actually improve, moving us forward toward a better future. This outcome should be the context for any debate. The idea that we should just round up everyone, or as Romney has suggested "Self Deportation", that America’s 11 million undocumented immigrants would simply go home if government made their lives miserable enough", is cruel and small minded. And, in no way would that provide an example of what we need more of in our culture, civility.

And, as for the Right's issues with Gay marriage and abortion, well I confess, I'm baffled. It's fascinating to me, really, how the Republicans can be the voice of a limiting government oversight and getting government out of our lives, yet at the same time proposing Federal laws to govern marriage and a woman's right to choose. Not to mention guns and capitol punishment.

I think what this President has been the worst at is keeping the public informed as to what he's done that has and will improve our circumstances and the reasoning he's employed in his process.

For me, there is so much hate and cruelty in our society and a lack of civility that while I may not agree with every decision being made on my behalf, I take into consideration where I believe the motivations come from. I don't think Romney is a bad man. But, I do think he is weak. John Kerry was measured by his flip flops, though I think in many cases unfairly. So, why shouldn't Mitt? And, there are many.

Should-ing All Over Yourself

Do you use the word "should" very often? In the conversations you have with yourself or others, do you frequently say things like, "I should really finish my homework"? Or, "I should call her back"? Or, "I should eat more vegetables". If you're like most, you have some awareness of using this word but, no idea of how often. I think we have integrated this word, like so many others, so fully into our discourse that we don't even recognize our use of it or the affect it has on our experience. This isn't just semantics. Language affects the way we think, feel, and act. And, hearing certain words more frequently than others perpetuates thoughts, feelings, and actions of a certain kind. Language can motivate (think cheerleaders), stimulate (academic lectures), and, unfortunately, denigrate (undeserved criticism). So, for anyone interested in personal growth and reclaiming their experience of authenticity, it would be a useful exercise to examine the automaticity of using this particular word and how it affects your mood and attitude.

Our choice of words and specifically using the word should, can indicate how we think of ourselves in relationship to the world around us. Reflecting on your use of this particular word, you may see it expresses an obligation and contributes to your stress. As if we do not already have enough of either. Using Should expresses a need, even when want may be a more appropriate word to use.

"I should really return his phone call".  "I should take advantage of this opportunity". "I should tell her how I feel".
       But, do you want to?
"I don't know".

This is a fairly common exchange which occurs between myself and my client in session. This exchange also reveals something fairly common yet unconscious for most of us. And, that is that we are more familiar with what we should do than what we want. And yet, given a choice, I think it's fair to say that most of us would prefer to do more of what we want than what we should. We just don't realize we actually have a choice. We can all live our lives more consistent with what we want. It's just that without knowing how to distinguish between shoulds and wants we are not able to be true to ourselves.

If you spend more time invested in thinking about what you should do than about what you want, you should all over yourself!

Look at the frequency and context in which you use the word, should. Explore using the word, want, in it's place. Practice replacing should with want. Consider using want in conversation at least to the same degree as you use the word, should. Notice and, if possible, write down your thoughts and feelings about the exchange of words.

In my experience, when we use the word, should, and imply a need to do something, it is not always possible to justify it as such. "I should do..." this or that? Is your life dependent on it? Is someone holding a gun to your head? Threatening to pull the trigger if you don't comply? Of course not. I believe that we use the word, should, to perpetuate a familiar, though not necessarily flattering Self concept. This Self concept holds our worth and value as a person captive to an achievement not yet accomplished. Therefore, our acceptability is conditional.  It is dependent on doing something more, less, or different than we currently are. That we are not yet unconditionally acceptable. Want implies just the opposite. When we use want, rather than should, we more often consider ourselves to be complete, unconditionally acceptable, even deserving, exactly as we are. This may be a difficult, even uncomfortable, concept to buy into. But, if you are interested in your personal growth and developing a stronger sense of Self and Self esteem, why not give this exchange of words some consideration and see what happens?

How To Break A Pattern

Patterns. They're everywhere. Even within our ways of being. Most of us, I believe, have at one time or another recognized such a pattern in their life. Maybe you are aware of a pattern in your life today that you'd like to see change. A way you act or behave in certain circumstances. Or a way you express yourself in certain situations. Or maybe you see a pattern in the way certain things keep turning out. If this is the case... If you are witnessing something in your life taking place or showing up more frequently than you would like, you're at the perfect starting point to transform it for good. 

Patterns can be insidious. And, insidiously frustrating to avoid. But, patterns have a beginning. And, therefor, they have an end. The difference is that when a pattern began, it did so with very little, if any, conscious effort on our part. To end a pattern, however, will require a much more deliberate effort.  

If you are presently upset by some pattern... And, are willing to, right here and now, declare yourself committed to getting past it... Read on.....



Essential to transform a pattern is to examine 3 things. That consciously or not, you chose to think or behave a certain way at some certain moment in your life. That you are the source of it's continuation. Whether intentionally or not, you continue to operate that same way in those same situations. And, that only conscious intention will allow you to be the source of it's end. Accepting these 3 ideas are absolutely essential to the process of moving beyond the patterns set in place. What took no consciousness to begin will take much greater consciousness to transform. And, developing that level of consciousness takes commitment.

I say, transform, because that is what will happen. The pattern will not so much stop, as  become something else. Some new way of being will show up in the moment that was once occupied by that reoccurring behavior. And, though we may not know now exactly what that will be, following these steps will result in it being a far more authentic, rather than automatic, way of being. We will have the power to transform a pattern only when we can recognize the power we use to keep it in place and accept this reality. Until then, we will continue to find ourselves stuck and claim others and our circumstances as the cause. One of the most essential tools we seem to lack is the consciousness to see our role in maintaining the status quo and the compassion to accept its truth .

When we object to taking responsibility for something that is primarily within our control we fall into the role of victim. If we presume something outside ourselves to be the cause for what we feel, think, do or say, it is in that moment that we invest in the idea that we have less power than that thing we are claiming as cause. And, no person thinking of themselves as a victim of the circumstances will produce the kind of transformation we're talking about.

Step number 2, for those of you keeping count, is to take 2 to 3 minutes nightly to reflect on your day, and try to identify times you observed some aspect of the pattern you want to transform, and writing down whatever you see. Could be an incident in which you blamed another for something only you had control of. Or, a person or circumstance that you thought of yourself as a victim of. 

The intent is to start reflecting on this theory that ONLY YOU are the source of your experience. Journaling is a way to bring more consciousness to this idea and begin to reclaim your control and response-ability for the quality of your life. 
 

If you do nothing else, this one simple exercise will give you ownership of the automaticity that's been keeping the pattern alive. And, only one who owns their experience can transform it.


If you ever feel inclined to examine any of this further or be coached in becoming more true to your Self, please call.


 

Are You Too Sensitive?

Have you ever been called "too sensitive"? Do you think you are? What does "too sensitive" mean anyway? Does it mean you feel too deeply about things? Or, is it meant to imply you're feelings are too frequently given more attention then they should? Whatever it may mean, it seems pretty clear it's not a compliment. More likely it's something negative. Bad or detrimental in some way. Like hearing the phrase.. "The problem with you is that you're just too sensitive".

Growing up, I was often accused of being "too sensitive". Losing at a board game, or the way I was being responded to, or somebody failing to keep a promise. These were just a few of the circumstances that I would get upset about. And, no sooner would I express my feelings than I would have my sensitivity to them challenged or criticized. I developed the assessment about myself that I'm just too sensitive. And, with this negative assessment, I began being on guard. I tried to avoid the feelings. Or tried to at least avoid any outward demonstration of having them. I was able, however, to define my feelings. I knew I felt hurt. Sadness. Fear. Loneliness. disappointment. And, each emotion reminded me of my failings.

I knew, however, that there were other feelings present also. Love. Admiration. Enthusiasm... And, more. But, I was at this point so self conscious about being too sensitive, I even found myself concealing these. I had basically come to think of whatever I felt as most likely inappropriate. And, careful not to feel too much of anything.

Until I began coaching.

As I developed my practice of coaching individuals to be more authentic I would often suggest that a prerequisite for authenticity would involve being able to know our feelings. Know them so well that we could distinguish each one from another. The idea that our feelings and emotions are somehow critical to our ability to live authentically began to evolve. I noticed that some of us are more or less feelings oriented than others. I found that those who were less in touch with their feelings were challenged more than others in developing a stronger sense of Self and the ability to express themselves authentically. In other words, I became aware of the connection between one's ability to feel and their ability to create a foundation for living life with self regard and satisfaction.

Maybe a good way to look at this sensitivity issue is to think of it as a commodity. Something that has value. And, as such, something to cherish rather than guard. Like a gift. And, as with any gift, the most profound experience comes from how it is received. We are certainly less likely to dismiss or negate what we think of as having value. And, we are far more likely to utilize something valuable in ways that contribute to our quality of life.

It is through our ability to feel and know what we are feeling that we are able to relate to others in the most intimate of ways. The closeness experienced between people depends on how each perceives the others ability to understand and empathize. And, a prerequisite for empathy is our emotional intelligence.

So, if you've thought of yourself as someone who is just too sensitive, remember.... You have a leg up on many others. Take time to distinguish your feelings. And, find a way to accept them. Whatever the feelings may be. And, in doing so, you'll find a deeper experience of Self acceptance. Honor your feelings and you honor yourself. By respecting you're feelings, you respect yourself. And, my guess is this will feel much more satisfying than finding fault with yourself.

Changing Your Experience of Victim to Source.

Let me start by pointing out two beliefs that most of us share.

One, is that our experience of living is affected by others and the circumstances of our lives.
The second, is that there is such a thing as "good" and "bad" thoughts and feelings.

And, though you may not immediately recognize any lack of logic that these two beliefs share, it is the active participation in these two beliefs that contribute most to our experience of being a "Victim".

My definition of "Victim": Someone who assigns responsibility for what they are thinking or feeling to another person or set of circumstances outside of themselves.

When someone says or does something we don''t like it's human to interpret their expression to have some meaning. And, as we do, some emotion will become present as well. But, rarely do we ever consider exploring the legitimacy of our interpretations. Likewise, we will consider that even the most painful emotion associated with this is something we have little choice about. But, neither thoughts or feelings alone, no matter what they they may be, cause us to feel like a victim. An experience of victim can only be produced by the way we perceive and account for these thoughts and emotions. Believing that the source of them lies outside of ourselves we succumb to the idea that we are less powerful than that person or thing we've assigned cause to. This diminishes our sense of Self and our ability to recreate satisfaction. We've just weakened our position and will likely end up feeling stuck and wrestling within some situation we don't want. This is the role of a victim.

The truth is, no thing or person, or persons behavior or communication can cause us to feel or think anything. If that was so, then everybody that witnesses an event will have the exact same thoughts and feelings about it. But, that's not the case. There are ample examples of horrendous circumstances that have impacted large groups of people. Yet, in spite of these events, different people have had different experiences. Now, I'm not saying that you should have certain thoughts and feelings rather than others. What I am saying, is that whatever thoughts or feelings you do have are yours. They are not forced upon you without any process of your own involved. And, they are neither "good" nor "bad". Maybe you've found yourself reacting to certain emotions in ways that have left you upset. But, that doesn't make the feelings "bad". That just suggests you've not learned how to just experience them without reacting.

Interpretations (thoughts) and emotions are separate from behavior. We do not have to behave in some manner just because we experience a particular emotion or thought. Our behavior can be chosen regardless. And, the sooner we learn to distinguish these from one another, the sooner we will begin reclaiming the power we've been giving away. In essence, we will begin transforming our experience of living from "victim" to "Source".

And, just a side note.... A "victim" mentality is not limited to feelings and thoughts we have considered "bad". Any emotion that we do not take responsibility for being the source of, including love, is part of that mentality. The people in our lives can present us with circumstances. And, that is something we can make requests about. But, what we feel and think is just that. What we feel and think!

Say what you mean. Mean what you say.

Being true to ourselves can often be a challenge. First and foremost, because we just don't concern ourselves with the concept as much as we may want to. So much of our thinking is spent on analyzing and trying to predict what our circumstances or a particular individual may require of us, that the question of how to be true to ourselves rarely ever gets asked. But, one area we can look at in order to gauge and promote this way of being is by way of our communications. When we are distracted by what we're thinking someone else may be expecting of us there will be a discrepancy between our public and private communications. In other words, what we are saying to ourselves in the moment will be different than what we are saying to the other person. And, since verbal communication effects how others respond to us, we may frequently experience less satisfaction than we'd hoped for within that relationship. We can take steps, however, that will result in speaking more authentically. And, by doing so, we will shift our experience from being at the effect of our relationships to being the source. We will notice confusion give way to clarity and frustration give way to satisfaction. But, having the courage to risk making waves will be an essential element. Not that waves will occur. But, not like they absolutely won't either. If we have a history of not saying what we mean or want, the people in our lives will not be accustomed to hearing what we have been suppressing. So, it's important to bring this perspective to the moments we think our words have hurt rather than helped a situation. Knowing that the bridge between our being inauthentic and authentic may travel over troubled waters.