The Greatest Obstacle to Learning Is..........

The Greatest Obstacle to Learning Is..........
I once heard it said that the greatest obstacle to learning is knowing.

Years ago, when I heard this for the first time, it was a revelation. "You can't learn what you already know". Hmmm. How profound, I thought. And, apropos.  

My relationship with certain family members and my experience at work were things I wanted to feel differently about. And, had been for some time. 

I wanted my relationship with certain family members to feel more satisfying. And, I wanted to feel more fulfilled with work. But, I didn't think I had anything to learn in order to improve either of these circumstances. I had concluded they were the way they were. And, that they would stay that way. I believed these circumstances and I were just stuck with each other. 

To feel more satisfaction at work I believed that the people I worked with, and the people I worked for, had to change. The people I worked with needed to interact with me and each other differently. They needed to be more focused and responsible. And, show more integrity. And, I needed the owners to show more respect for and receptivity to the employees and their issues. But, I believed it was a lost cause. After all, in spite of my efforts, nothing changed. 

And, with those family members, to feel the kind of satisfaction I was looking for they needed to change as well. But, here, too, I had come to the conclusion that they were not going to act or communicate any differently. I had already made every effort possible. And, I couldn't make them.


THOUGH I DID BELIEVE THERE was wisdom in that "OBSTACLES TO LEARNING' IDEA, I just couldn't YET see how IT RELATED TO ME. OR WHAT I COULD POSSIBLY LEARN TO DO DIFFERENTLY

I 'knew' what needed to change IN MY LIFE. What I didn't know was THAT it was me. What I didn't know was that as long as I 'knew' what needed to change, there WOULD BE nothing I could learn to make MY CIRCUMSTANCES better. 

What I 'KNEW' needed to change for me to experience more of what I wanted was the PEOPLE and CIRCUMSTANCES of my life.

So, I recognized I WOULD HAVE TO LEARN what I didn't know.

I needed to see how I assessed AND INVESTED IN POSITIONS. And, how invested I was in being right.

And, I was very invested in being right!

……………………………….

THE POSSIBILITY that I was somehow PERPETUATING MY circumstances became a real consideration. AND THAT, MAYBE, MY INVESTMENT IN being right WAS KEEPING ME stuck with what I believed I had. Blindness OF my own involvement.

I SAW, TOO, I WOULD NOT ONLY NEED TO BRING MORE CONSCIOUSNESS TO my circumstances. I also needed to acknowledge my EXPERIENCE of BEING IN THOSE CIRCUMSTANCES. MY FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS. I had to bring MUCH more clarity and specificity to my predicament. 

I needed to learn to see what I PRETENDED TO know... ABOUT WHERE I WANTED THINGS TO BE AND TO WHERE THINGS WERE AT THE TIME. THE DISPARITY. THE CIRCUMSTANCES but also THE FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS I HAD REGARDING both…..

For instance, I knew I wanted my brother to respond differently to me. But, WHAT SPECIFICALLY WOULD THAT LOOK LIKE? To be less judgmental and more supportive. TO SEE HIM express interest in and receptivity to my opinions and feelings. AND WHAT WOULD THAT FEEL LIKE? I would feel LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE. 

I ALSO NEEDED TO SEE more clearly WHERE THINGS WERE AT. Again, including MY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS, WITH THE SAME SPECIFICITY.

I realized that my path required as precise a starting point as a destination. And, the more SPECIFIC I COULD BE WITH BOTH the more success was possible.


Me 'KNOWING' THE WAY THINGS ARE AND spouting off reasons WHY is something I'VE grown accustomed to.

The effort I made, AND CONTINUE TO MAKE, to bring more detail TO MY CIRCUMSTANCES AND FEELINGS ABOUT THEM IS difficult. ESPECIALLY Getting in touch with THE dissatisfaction, hurt, disappointment. That IS not easy. But, then again, how can ANY OF US get WHAT we want without knowing EXACTLY WHAT WE'VE GOT.


What circumstances have you BEEN PUTTING UP WITH OR TRYING TO CHANGE? WHAT CONCLUSIONS OR DECISIONS HAVE YOU MADE ABOUT THEM? How would you like them to be different? How invested are you in being right?

I USED TO KNOW I had my shit together. Then I realized that was all I had together.

To Know Yourself Is To Express Yourself

If you ask most people what matters most, physical appearance or one's inner character, the common answer will be "It's what's inside that counts". And, I couldn't agree more. However, in today's fast paced and competitive world, first impressions are more important than ever. So, if what's inside is what matters most, how to express that outwardly would be an important thing to understand. But, there's another important reason to present an authentic image. And, that's for yourself.

Your image not only represents to others your character and values, it is a form of personal empowerment, too. Truth is, we often ignore the steps necessary to create the experience of personal empowerment through our dress for the sake of fitting in with the role and expectations we've assumed others have of us. Not only will this sabotage your ability to represent to others what is unique and important about who you are. It weakens your own self confidence.

What are your strongest personal characteristics? Those you most appreciate in yourself? Those you most want to express and to contribute to others? If you've never made a list, literally, then how can you be absolutely certain when you are expressing your Truest Self.

It's interesting, I think, that the term, "taking inventory of ourselves", seems to be so much about identifying weaknesses and things we need to work on. And, though we may do so with little deliberateness, most of us have come to think of identifying our failings as a way of motivating change. But, setting our minds on changing without bringing just as much consciousness to our strengths and positive personal characteristics will just perpetuate the notion that we need to change without ever learning to accept those traits within us that only need to be expressed. Not changed.

Making this personal profile is one step of a process of learning to acknowledge the person you are committed to being. And, by association, effecting your circumstances to be a greater reflection of what you want in your life.  You might call the act of making such a list a catalyst for the movement and personal growth that lies ahead.

This list will be as unique from anyone else's as a finger print. And, just as no finger print is better or worse than an other's, nor would your set of personal characteristics. Wouldn't it be great if we could all be true to ourselves around each other? Rather than posing or pretending to be someone better or different? We could all experience our Selves and others being authentic, humble, and as accepting of each other as we've learned to be of ourselves.

So, here's the way to do this.

Sit down in a comfortable position with a journal or legal pad and begin making a list of 50 single words, or adjectives; Personal characteristics you consider true to who you are. Those you think of as positive. Go at whatever pace you want. This could take an hour or more. There's no rush. This is not about how fast you can do it. It's about giving yourself the time necessary to be thoughtful and honest. You could even make it a nighttime exercise. Writing a few words a night till you get to 50.

The next step, to be done with the same intentionality, is to reduce the list to 25. These would be the 25 adjectives, out of the 50, that you believe most represents personal characteristics that you want your relationships and circumstances to be reflective of.

Sit with these 25 characteristics for a week. Share them with others. Read them nightly. And think, as you do, how they might contribute or be contributing to your relations and circumstances.

After a week of this kind of reflection narrow those 25 down to 10. Highlight those you believe will most empower you to be authentic and positively impact your relationships and circumstances and, ultimately, contribute to creating those relationships and circumstances to be more fulfilling.

Again, sit with these 10 characteristics for a week. Share them. Read them nightly. And think, as you do, how they contribute to, or will contribute to, greater satisfaction within your relationships and circumstances. These ten words represent your personal qualities and characteristics that will empower your ability to be authentic. And, by committing yourself to bringing them forth, not just in the way you dress but in all ways of self expression, you will find greater self confidence, self acceptance, and acknowledgement.

Give me a call if you want to prioritize your list or want support in being more authentic in your self expression.

Do I..... Or Don't I.... Matter

Do you ever ask yourself if you matter? Kind of like wondering to yourself ... "Do I make a difference?" Or, "Am I having an impact?". "How do I fit in?". Etc.?. Do you ever find yourself immersed in thought and questions like these?

If you do, and when you are, do you find yourself to be less fully present then you'd like to be? Regardless of your surroundings or whomever your with, whether alone, by yourself, or in the middle of a conversation with somebody, this inner self questioning will distract you from wherever you are, whatever you happen to be doing, or with whomever you're with. It's as if you believe that finding the confidence to say, "Yes. Indeed I do matter!", will allow you to be more fully present to the situation or circumstances at hand.

But, know this. However much you believe that finding a positive answer to these questions is to any degree essential, what's even more essential is uncovering the motivation to be asking.

Bringing more light and perspective to the automaticity and frequency of your inner questioning, will open you up to seeing with crystal clarity how unanswerable and forever debatable these questions are and will continue being. Truth is, no set of circumstances will provide any factual evidence to even pose such questions.  Then why do you keep asking?

Why?

If you believe that the automaticity, investment, and frequency of such self questioning stands between you and being more fully present, engaged, and satisfied, then read on:

I often talk about two types of conversations we have going on most all the time. One is an inner conversation. A monologue or dialogue you're having with yourself. The second is public. A conversation you happen to be in, at the moment, with another.

The disparity between one conversation and the other will effect the quality of your communication.

The inability to see these two conversations going on simultaneously and distinct from each other will create communication problems. Active listening of the person(s) speaking will be compromised. How can you clearly hear, let alone respond most intelligently, when you don't know which conversation you're listening to? Chances of misunderstanding and responding poorly become greater. Quite often damaging our image and our relationship.

Bringing consciousness, shining a light on this machinery, and observing it in action, will transform your sense of self and ability to engage with others more powerfully and authentically!   

But, how can you learn to separate one conversation from the other and be more fully present, when your life as it is doesn't offer the time or perspective for you to see and employ this power?

Insight and Acknowledgment Coaching will help you slow down the questioning machinery, look into the gears that keep it running, and empower you in dismantling it's power.

Working together you'll come back to your Self, get back in touch with your magnificence, ability to engage with Authenticity, and produce results consistent with who you really are. Your True Self.

With Love,
RJ


For a free 1st time consultation?....Just ask.

MIGHT THIS BE A GOOD TIME TO CONSIDER DIGITAL DETOX?

Digital Excess and Cognitive Decline

 

With Permission, By

David Edelberg, MD @ Whole Health Chicago

Try this experiment. Sit somewhere unobserved, like a Starbuck’s or a doctor’s waiting room, and just watch people. If you see someone sitting alone, likely she’ll be checking her smart phone or laptop or plugging into music. People sitting in groups of two or more will interrupt themselves to glance at their phones, text-checking. If someone’s phone actually rings or vibrates, watch for the sudden startle response, a mini-version of the fight-or-flight response that protects us from muggers and marauding bears, now mainly used for phone answering.

Today, devices seem to always trump personal interaction.
If you think about it, just about everyone in your field of vision does something during the day that involves something digital. Many are engaged in what’s widely called multi-tasking. Of course when we multi-task we don’t really perform two or more tasks at the same moment. We simply spend less time on each effort, incessantly shifting focus and attention. And after a day in the digital world, we return home, where we continue to use our electronic devices for personal use, TV’s 800 cable channels and 50,000 Netflix movies at the ready.
According to the latest data, kids 8 to 18 spend 7.5 hours every day amusing themselves with screen time (TV, video games, phone) and listen to most of their music (and conduct phone conversations) with ear buds in position. This prepares them well for the adult digital life we observed in our earlier Starbuck’s/doctor’s office experiment.
Is a life like this–incessantly audiovisual when young, nonstop screen and phone checking as we get older–“bad” for us? Are there long-term health consequences? Since the digital world that dominates our lives hasn’t been around long, we simply don’t know. But given what we’re observing now, we can make some educated guesses.
Digital-free camping
For example, when psychologists took a group of 20-somethings on a five-day, digital-free camping trip, based on well-conceived psychological testing there was a 50% increase in their creative skills when they returned. You really can’t interpret a study like this to prove that a 24/7 digital world will necessarily result in a decline of creativity, but our minds do need stimulus-free down time to develop new ideas. In a beautiful phraseology, the study’s authors write: “Our modern society is filled with sudden events (sirens, horns, ringing phones, alarms, television, etc.) that hijack attention. By contrast, natural environments are associated with gentle, soft fascination, allowing the executive attentional system to replenish.”
In its own way, being on a nature trip like this, freeing your mind to wander or concentrate as you desire, is similar to practicing mindfulness meditation, a brain exercise anyone can learn that also has been shown to boost creativity.
A lot of research has been done on mindfulness meditation, perhaps most exciting its ability to rewire your brain (no matter how old you are), activating the prefrontal cortex so that your brain functions like that of someone younger than you. Practicing mindfulness meditation also increases connectivity in the very areas affected most dramatically by the cognitive decline of aging and Alzheimer’s. It’s even tempting to conjecture that cognitive decline could be prevented by 15 to 30 minutes of daily mindfulness meditation.
We can’t practice mindfulness meditation and text-check at the same time. The question then might be asked, “Are we even capable of being digital-free for a block of time each day? Is it too late to change?” Apparently, changing is a lot harder than we think.
Digital detox, now with analog games
The New York Times recently reported that an enterprising couple, themselves once severe digital addicts, were organizing device-free “Digital Detox” parties. In addition to the standard party fare of drinks and munchies were all sorts of analog distractions for idle hands, including board games, colored thread for friendship bracelets, and manual typewriters. And yes, it was very (very!) difficult for many people. The reporter writes that a woman who worked the entry door checking in digital devices “thought she had seen the unpretty face of addiction” and withdrawal, with one guest reporting “My whole life is on this phone.”
We really don’t know the long-range effects of 7 ½ hours of daily screen time on young people. Nor do we know what happens to our brains when we’re endlessly interrupted by  miniaturized startle responses. But let’s face facts–it doesn’t sound healthy. Are we in the foothills of a collective cognitive decline, just like we all might be going deaf from ear buds?
I’ve certainly observed the stress response in my patients who come into the examining room having forgotten to turn off their phones. One was in the midst of relating a troubling health issue when her phone rang (I’ve never been able to completely enjoy Ode to Joy from Beethoven’s Ninth since phones started blasting it). She embarrassedly fumbled with her handbag to silence the monster. Two minutes later, it rang again. “Damn, I thought I’d turned it off. I’m so sorry.” Now she’s lost track of what she was telling me. Two minutes later, again. Now she’s really startled. “I am so sorry, Dr E, it’s a new phone and I can’t seem to get the off button right.”
These events seems to upset my patients far more than me, but as I sit and watch I worry that anyone could actually live like this. After this visit, my patient will leave the office, turn her phone on (correctly), and all day long be besieged by ringing or by its more ubiquitous cousin, “checking,” “checking,” “checking.”

This might be a good time to consider your own personal digital detox. Immerse yourself in nature by taking a trip or simply going for an untethered walk in the park. Consider a course in mindfulness meditation. Open up a few new brain pathways and…
Be well,

Impatience

Impatience shelters certain emotions. Each painful to experience as they are. Each emotion molded from a thought or perspective we had in the moment of an early and unacceptable experience. I'm not sure any of us can claim not to be impatient. We all are to some degree. The frequency of times we are impatient isn't so much of an issue, though. More so is lacking the consciousness to see the underlying feelings.

Beyond what impatience looks like on the surface. Impatience is a form of self protection. The automaticity with which we become impatient prevents us from experiencing other feelings. Feelings we've decided are negative and detrimental. It's actually out of self love that we developed this machinery. Yes. Self Love. We fail to see that. But, from what else would protecting ourselves from painful feelings come from?

On the surface we think of our impatience as being caused by someone taking a greater amount of time to express their thoughts or convey a message than we think it should or some process taking more time then what we believe is necessary. So, given that in this scenario we assess our experience of impatience as being caused by something other than ourselves, we assume the roll of victim. Yes, you can say that we are all just victims of our circumstances. ...............


That is until you see that the circumstances are no more or less than just that. Circumstances. Those things are just the way things are. That person? That person is being just the way they're being. Things are just the way they are. Though you may be thinking, whatever it is, is taking "too much" time, truth is that that person or that process is taking a specific amount of time. The fact that you subjectively think it's too much time is just that, a subjective thought. The circumstances are just what they are. And, your thoughts are just they way they are. Both, just as they are...no more, no less.

So then, if the circumstances are no more or less than just what they are, how is it you feel like a victim? Why is there such a feeling of being beaten up? Or, beaten down. Kinda like David would've felt if the "David And Goliath" story hadn't gone the way it did.

If the circumstances cannot have any affect on you.. then what is? If, in fact, you cannot be a victim of the circumstances, are you a victim at all??

Observation Does Not Involve Judgment.

Observation Does Not Involve Judgment.

Observing something and making a judgment about it are two separate things. 

When we observe something.. for instance, how someone is dressed, or their posture, or the color of their skin, all we are doing is collecting data. During this process, there is no assessing, evaluating, interpreting, or judging. We are just noticing something exactly as it is. Like facts, these things are neither right or wrong, good or bad, better or worse. We are not making comparisons. We are just seeing what is there. Exactly as it is. No more, no less.

But, of course, we also judge and evaluate, and compare. It's just part and parcel of being human. We take that data and we reflect on it using previous experiences in an attempt to understand what it means. Of course, this will never allow us to know what it means. Because, at best, whatever we come up with will only be a speculation. Regardless, however, it is what we do. That's just the way the brain works. 

Of course, this does not mean we can't be aware of these two distinctions. Observing Something. And, evaluating something. 

But, what's the point of becoming aware of these two distinctions or being able to consciously distinguish one from the other, you might ask. Well, here's the thing... Not knowing that what you think about what you see is just that, a thought, not a fact, will limit you to responses only be based on an assumption. For example; Let's say a person is wearing clothing that in your estimation fits poorly. Maybe it's wrinkled and could use a good press. Or, it seems dated. If this is the case, you might conclude that this person lacks a certain standing, or maybe competence. If so, you may very well interact with this person on the basis of that assumption. In doing so, you may find you're interaction to cause some friction. Especially if that individual is not as you've assumed them to be. 

Being able to recognize your assessments about something or someone as distinct from the information you've collected by observation enables you to more consciously choose how you want to engage with them. And, often times, that will provide the opportunity to get to know more about that individual than you might have unknowingly thought you already knew. 

The quality of our relationships are often driven by assumptions we make about the other person. We often operate with those individuals as if we already know more about them than we really do. And, that may often leave the other person offended and hurt because it seems you don't know them at all or do not respect them for who they really are. We most likely do not see the arrogance that this represents. But, they will.

The work that I do with my clients involves learning to recognize such distinctions that, without awareness of, creates and perpetuates situations and relationships that fall short of our desires. Facts from interpretations. Feelings from thoughts. Emotions from actions. Mastering the ability to recognize these and other distinctions will give you the power to choose, act, and communicate in ways that produce greater satisfaction in your life. And, will empower your ability to be authentic and true in your relationships and the circumstances of your life. 

If you want to know more, you know where to find me.

Love,
Rj
TrueSelf.

My Random Political Views On Current Issues

My Random Political Views On Current Issues 

I appreciate the ability to disagree without personal attacks and with people who, I believe like yourself, are for the most part open and receptive to opinions that differ from their own. I think that this is what's missing, not just in politics but within today's culture. And, while I believe our political figures today contribute to the rancor and hostility, the media's willingness to broadcast spin without helping the public decipher and actually investigate that spin, just reinforces this discourse. 

Unfortunately, we are a society of too few well informed citizens. We may be increasingly well educated, though these individuals still do not make up our majority. But, unfortunately, even the educational opportunities that do exist don't produce the well informed. But, that's a whole other issue that I think is sorely missing from today's political debate. The profound ineffectiveness of today's educational opportunities.

It was made clear from the moment Barack Obama took office what the Republicans number one, overriding agenda was. And, that was to deny this President a second term. So, given this, how can anyone not consider that as the motivation behind every disagreement and block that they put in Obama's way? Really! I know many people see me as a liberal.. I am. But, I am also, at least in my opinion, pretty level headed. I remember back when John McCain was running against George Bush in the Republican primaries of 2000. He was his old maverick self. And, I genuinely considered giving him my vote should he have been nominated. He was rational. Made sense. Seemed genuinely independent in his reasoning. And expressed a deep understanding of the value of strengthening the middle class. But, even he has become a mouth piece for the right wingnuts. .....Sorry, the right wing. Though, I think of them as the wrong wing. OK. Enough..... It's mind boggling to me... it really is, as to why so many in the middle class, would compromise their own best interests to support Mitt Romney and his one-dimensional running mate. What I am left with thinking is that these people are not so much infatuated by Romney, after all why would they be, but more so by an anti-Obama gut driven attitude. With ever more certainty I believe racism is definitely one factor. Because when you exclude all the reasons why these individuals should support the only one of the two candidates who has consistently supported the causes of this group, what else is there to conclude. Call them closeted bigots.. or maybe they really can't see it themselves. But, c'mon.. what else could it be. The stronger the middle class, the more the wealthy benefit. The percentage of income the middle class spends in the market place is far larger than that of the '1 percenters'. And, that spending spurs the economy. A stronger wealthy class?... By all measures, In the eight years of the Bush administration the wealthiest Americans fared best.. And, what happened? Apparently these "job creators" must have been preoccupied with something else. Like squirrels, they socked away all that money. And, why would anyone expect them to do anything else? Where's the evidence that they will do anything other than what best serves themselves? And, while I understand that there's an argument to be had about why we should all have the right to do whatever we want with our hard earned money, many of these so called job creators have earned that money through questionable means that challenge ethics if not actual laws. And, why, in the name of sensibility, would we want a man who hides his income in foreign countries and conceals his taxes with a cavalier and prima donna attitude running this country? Is that really the example we want to lead us? Or for that matter, the criteria we want to use to justify this candidates nomination?.

Regarding immigration, I believe we must strive to for an enlightened approach. So that our society and it's ills can actually improve, moving us forward toward a better future. This outcome should be the context for any debate. The idea that we should just round up everyone, or as Romney has suggested "Self Deportation", that America’s 11 million undocumented immigrants would simply go home if government made their lives miserable enough", is cruel and small minded. And, in no way would that provide an example of what we need more of in our culture, civility.

And, as for the Right's issues with Gay marriage and abortion, well I confess, I'm baffled. It's fascinating to me, really, how the Republicans can be the voice of a limiting government oversight and getting government out of our lives, yet at the same time proposing Federal laws to govern marriage and a woman's right to choose. Not to mention guns and capitol punishment.

I think what this President has been the worst at is keeping the public informed as to what he's done that has and will improve our circumstances and the reasoning he's employed in his process.

For me, there is so much hate and cruelty in our society and a lack of civility that while I may not agree with every decision being made on my behalf, I take into consideration where I believe the motivations come from. I don't think Romney is a bad man. But, I do think he is weak. John Kerry was measured by his flip flops, though I think in many cases unfairly. So, why shouldn't Mitt? And, there are many.